


What I Can’t Forget

by Burningchaos



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-10
Updated: 2005-11-10
Packaged: 2018-01-11 23:29:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1179230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burningchaos/pseuds/Burningchaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>More 2005 fic - sequel to Fall From Grace</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Can’t Forget

Slowly consciousness seeped in, the thick fog that had surrounded his mind was becoming thin and fading. He heard the voices of his friends. He saw them clearer and knew he had wronged them. Guilt had him moaning. He hadn’t had real friends in years. The isolation of his last post and the need to be unfettered by baggage had prevented it. The world faded again with the murmur of Scottish brogue and the hiss he made as the needle slid into his arm.

The next time John woke, the sharp colors of Atlantis and all it inhabitants welcomed him. His mind was completely clear; all his crimes were fully exposed to his conscious. A legion of abuses paraded through his mind and with that knowledge John knew that apologies were the first thing on his to do list. He only hoped that they forgave him.

He had kissed _Teyla_ , a woman who was as tough, if not tougher then him, a woman he respected and admired. She was his friend. He had _hurt_ Elizabeth. Choked her and placed her in a position that was very difficult. She had gone to the wall for him and he had hurt her. She was the best female friend he had ever had. The best person he had served under, even if she was a civilian. His men, he had tossed them aside and assaulted them. The worst though, the one that was killing him now. The one that made him wish he had died was what he had done to the man he loved. He had walked away; he had used Rodney’s every weakness to shred him. He had severed all ties and crushed the most wonderful thing in his life.

Yet he could remember Rodney still, after what he had done and said, trying to help him. Rodney had gone to the caves twice to help. Then he had disappeared, as John got better. In his foggy memories he had heard the voices and well wishes of the others. Yet Rodney hadn’t come, and John didn’t blame him. If Rodney even let him explain and try to fix things it would a miracle.

“Ah you’re awake again then,” Carson smiled at his patient. The relief he knew had no bounds. He had thought that he would truly lose his friend and it would have been his fault.

“Yep, Doc, I am,” John poked at the I.V still in his arm. “So when can I leave?” His smile stretched from ear to ear; the air of innocence he liked to assume was fixed firmly in place. John felt great and he had a driving need to seek out his friends and fix things. He needed to try to repair all the damage he had done. He didn’t think he could wake up everyday and walk through the halls of Atlantis if he and Rodney weren’t speaking.

“Well now, I’ll be the judge of that, and since you haven’t even been awake for twenty-four hours I’ll have to say no.” Carson watched John almost bouncing out of his skin with barely controlled energy. It seemed so out of place because John was nothing if not controlled. “John, are ya sure your feelin’ alright?”

John saw the concern in Carson’s eyes it was a pale echo of what had been there when Ford had gotten sick. John knew that even though he and Carson were friends this was a painful reminder of his failures and losses. He had almost died and Carson felt responsible. “I am fine, I just, well, I just have so much to apologize for.” John paused a moment “Thanks, Carson,”

Beckett gave John a real smile, the first he had seen on the other man’s face in a while,“ Tomorrow, John, I promise. If everything comes up clean one more time you are good to go.” Carson turned and saw Elizabeth standing in the doorway. “Ah, here to see the patient?”

“Yes, that is if you are allowing visitors?” Elizabeth smiled warmly.

“Aye, I was just leaving,” Carson nodded at them both and left.

“So,” John was uncomfortable he didn’t know what to say. “I guess I owe you an apology.”

“John, it is all right, you weren’t yourself. I don’t hold you accountable for any of your actions.” She leaned against the wall and studied her military commander. “You did what anyone else would have done. I want you back in your office as soon as Carson clears you too.”

“Thanks, Elizabeth, I just hope some of the others see it that way.”

Elizabeth leaned over and patted his shoulder, “Get some rest if you want out of here tomorrow,” then turned to leave.

John sighed, he was more tired than he cared to admit, sinking down on the bed he closed his eyes and was once again haunted by the broken look on Rodney’s face as he had left.

~*~

John walked down the hall to his room, he had just got done talking to Teyla and she had been very understanding, as was Ronan, because he had to talk to him too. The man was more then a little interested in Teyla and John figured it would be better to hear about the incident, he never wanted to think of again, from him. John had also wanted to thank him for stopping him. It was good to know he could trust Ronan to do what needed to be done, no matter what. His men had been easy too. They had just brushed it off as all in a day’ s work. Which, sadly, since coming to Atlantis, it was.

John jumped as he turned the corner, “Zelenka,”

“Yes, just who I am looking for,” Radek frowned at John, “You need to fix this.”

“Fix what?” John said puzzled.

“Rodney is no longer speaking to anyone, no yelling no snarking. He barely comes to the lab. It is not good. He has no more, what’s the word…yes, spark.” Zelenka looked at him with flashing angry eyes. “You did this you fix, or I will take matters into my hands.“ he muttered something John was sure was quite unsavory in Czech before wandering off. John felt himself shatter again; he had felt good for a moment. He was working his way to Rodney, he had to figure out what to say, what to do.

Clarity rushed through him as he remembered Rodney’s apology, how he had been trembling and unnaturally subdued. John had walked away, only to give in the next day. He didn’t want to be without Rodney. Ever. What he had done was as much a betrayal of trust as what Rodney had done. John leaned against the wall in the hallway, his legs were shaking and his palms sweating. He had to fix this, not only to get Rodney back but to repair the emotional damage he had done to the man he loved.


End file.
